Friday, August 29, 2008

How I wish...

School will be starting in less than 3 days. The old feeling is coming right back at me. Whenever school starts, I feel so scared. The imaginery procedures never fails to haunt me. How I wish I can take it like a pinch of salt but the heart has it's own way. The way which is making me feeling uncomfortable, weak and maybe phobia.

People might envy our school's system whereby every semesters we could have new classmates. Yes, we get to know so many people but as the semester come to an end, all is reduced to zero. I don't know why but I feel that people need to move on. They can't be hanging around you like you hang hangers on the pole. I can understand that hangers needs the pole but not friends, especially if they had another semester to go!

Whenever schools became the topic, it gets never ending. After poly, it's army life. After army, you might ask me where I go. I said continue studying, URGH! You said go to work instead. Ya, what's the point of asking when you already have the answer. My point here is that we are going through a cycle. A human cycle.

The people are so scared of going to the wrong path or cycle and hence they chose the easy way out. I remembered once my teacher told me: "If you don't know where to go, follow the path of education". At that time, I thought it was so true and I was so eager to study.

And as I grew up. I understand that it has nothing to do with choosing but on following. When people say this job can make alot of money, we follow. When government say they giving baby bonus, we give birth. When mum say must get more certificates, we get a whole range of certs (You name it, whoever has it).

What I want to say after all the text above is...
I WANT TO LIVE MY OWN LIFE

Now this sounds abit unfair to my parents. They did give me the freedom but why am I complaining. Did you ever feel that you are kind of being forced by friends? Perhaps forced is a strong word. Friends sometimes are like selling insurance to you. They are always so easy to make you buy it because they have a good mouth. You are afraid that if you do not buy it, you missed out the benefits.

I wore a facade everyday in the hope of not letting others know the truth in me. Everyone has a different personality within that shows a different side. Yes, maybe when I am more of comfortable with the group and I will let out my true inner self. But don't you think it is kind of scary? Like you observed the vast difference from the past to present.

As I typed until this part, lots of thoughts came into my brain altogether. I suddenly couldn't continue on and many people would refer this as lost of words. The feeling is just like how my younger sis couldn't remembered the spelling words that she learned the previous day. She attempts to give up and get 9/10 instead of 10/10.

Just like her, I shouldn't forced my friends if they do not hope to do so. I should be contented and understand that they had tried and we should be more forgiving. If only I could be half as forgiving as I typed. I know myself the best and I always do not forgive people easily.

P/S: Please allow me to do these as I will be going insane if I don't anyhow type some reasoning texts.

Anyway, anyhow, I will be dyeing my hair tomorrow. I hope it turns out as I imagined.

by Anonymous at 12:53 AM |